{"title":"Funny Cat Dad Shirts","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n.collection-intro {margin: 0 0 15px 0;}\n.collection-intro p {margin: 0 0 15px 0; line-height: 1.6;}\n.trust-signals {background: #e8f5e9; padding: 12px; border-radius: 6px; text-align: center; font-size: 13px; margin: 10px 0 15px 0;}\n.desc-collapsed {max-height: 0; overflow: hidden; transition: max-height 0.3s ease;}\n.desc-expanded {max-height: 5000px;}\n.read-more-btn {background: #3498db; color: white; border: none; padding: 10px 20px; border-radius: 5px; cursor: pointer; font-size: 14px; margin: 10px 0 20px 0; font-weight: 600;}\n.read-more-btn:hover {background: #2980b9;}\n\u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv class=\"collection-intro\"\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShop Unethical Threads' funny cat dad shirts collection for designs that make people do a double-take. Our funny cat dad shirts bring the laughs without compromising on comfort or quality. Available in sizes S-4XL with hassle-free returns.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"trust-signals\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003e✓ Free Shipping On All Orders\u003c\/strong\u003e | \u003cstrong\u003e✓ 30-Day Guarantee\u003c\/strong\u003e | \u003cstrong\u003e✓ Sizes S-4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cbutton class=\"read-more-btn\" onclick=\"var desc = document.getElementById('collection-desc-funny-cat-dad-shirts'); desc.classList.toggle('desc-collapsed'); desc.classList.toggle('desc-expanded'); this.textContent = desc.classList.contains('desc-expanded') ? 'Show Less ▲' : 'Read More ▼';\"\u003eRead More ▼\u003c\/button\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv id=\"collection-desc-funny-cat-dad-shirts\" class=\"desc-collapsed\"\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eAbout Our Funny Cat Dad Shirts Collection\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch3\u003ePremium Quality \u0026amp; Features\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch3\u003ePerfect Occasions\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch3\u003eWhy Choose Unethical Threads\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch3\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eRelated Collections:\u003c\/strong\u003e \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/UnethicalThreads.com\/collections\/funny-shirts\"\u003eComplete Funny Shirts Collection\u003c\/a\u003e | \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/UnethicalThreads.com\/collections\/mens-funny-cat-shirts\"\u003eMens Funny Cat Shirts\u003c\/a\u003e | \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/UnethicalThreads.com\/collections\/funny-dance-dad-shirts\"\u003eFunny Dance Dad Shirts\u003c\/a\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cscript type=\"application\/ld+json\"\u003e\n{\n  \"@context\": \"https:\/\/schema.org\",\n  \"@type\": \"CollectionPage\",\n  \"name\": \"Funny Cat Dad Shirts\",\n  \"url\": \"https:\/\/UnethicalThreads.com\/collections\/funny-cat-dad-shirts\"\n}\n\u003c\/script\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"legalize-drunk-driving-tee-black","title":"Legalize Drunk Driving Tee (Black)","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Legalize Drunk Driving tee from Unethical Threads is the shirt your designated driver doesn't want you wearing. It says what it says. If you need the joke explained, this probably isn't your brand.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour funniest friend. Your most unfiltered coworker. The guy at the cookout who says the thing everyone else was thinking.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis tee lives in the overlap between questionable decisions and great taste in shirts. It's for people who treat the group chat like a competitive sport and have never once been accused of playing it safe.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like a real shirt, not a tissue paper promo tee\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e (yes, the big boys eat too)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, because V-necks are a different kind of questionable decision\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed graphic\u003c\/strong\u003e so the design stays sharp after your mom inevitably washes it trying to destroy the evidence\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBlack colorway\u003c\/strong\u003e, naturally\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the best gift. Nothing says \"I know exactly who you are as a person\" like handing someone a Legalize Drunk Driving shirt.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePerfect for birthdays, white elephants, or just reminding your friends you pay attention to their worst opinions. If they've ever said something that made the whole table go quiet, this is their shirt.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the Legalize Drunk Driving shirt satire?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a real shirt with a satirical message. Unethical Threads makes dark humor apparel. We are not lobbying congress.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Legalize Drunk Driving tee come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit so it works on every body type.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade or crack after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG printing bonds ink directly into the cotton fibers, so the graphic stays sharp through every wash cycle.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this a good gift for someone with dark humor?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the perfect gift for anyone who makes the group chat uncomfortable. If they laugh at things they shouldn't, this is their shirt.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40264449458258,"sku":"LegalizeDD-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40264449491026,"sku":"LegalizeDD-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40264449523794,"sku":"LegalizeDD-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40264449556562,"sku":"LegalizeDD-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40264449589330,"sku":"LegalizeDD-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":40515183280210,"sku":"LegalizeDD-Black-3XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":40515183312978,"sku":"LegalizeDD-Black-4XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/products\/b65fa58179f0832962936e035042c0ed.png?v=1762471124"},{"product_id":"how-to-catch-a-predator-joe-biden-sniffing-tee","title":"How To Catch A Predator Joe Biden Sniffing Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe How To Catch A Predator Joe Biden Sniffing Tee from Unethical Threads takes that one clip everyone pretends they haven't seen and puts it on heavyweight cotton. If you watched the man lean in and thought \"someone should make a shirt about this,\" we did. You're welcome.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho's actually buying this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who've seen the compilations. You know exactly which ones. Your group chat already has opinions about this shirt, and at least two people in it need one.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the kind of tee that pairs well with cookouts, family dinners you weren't really invited to, and a complete inability to read a room. If your sense of humor has ever cleared a room, this is your uniform.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like a real shirt, not a tissue with sleeves\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL.\u003c\/strong\u003e Room for everyone. We save our judgment for politicians, not sizing.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck.\u003c\/strong\u003e Classic. Nothing weird happening around your collar.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print.\u003c\/strong\u003e The ink goes into the fabric, not on top of it. No cracking, no peeling, no fading into obscurity. Unlike some political careers.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt might be the best gift you've ever given. The friend who sends you Biden sniffing clips at 2 AM needs this shirt yesterday.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe coworker with loud political opinions? Perfect. Your dad who comments on every news article? Even better. Just don't give it to someone who can fire you. That part's on you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this shirt shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's pre-shrunk heavyweight cotton. Wash it however you want. It holds up.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG printing bonds the ink directly into the fabric. No cracking, no peeling, no sad faded version of itself after a few washes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit. Runs comfortable and true to size.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this offend people?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlmost certainly. That's kind of the whole point. If everyone liked your shirt, it wouldn't be funny.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt unisex?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. Relaxed fit, crew neck, runs true to size for men and women.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40517017043026,"sku":"Predator-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40517017075794,"sku":"Predator-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40517017108562,"sku":"Predator-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40517017141330,"sku":"Predator-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40517017174098,"sku":"Predator-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":40517017206866,"sku":"Predator-Black-3XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":40517017239634,"sku":"Predator-Black-4XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40517017272402,"sku":"Predator-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40517017305170,"sku":"Predator-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40517017337938,"sku":"Predator-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40517017370706,"sku":"Predator-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40517017403474,"sku":"Predator-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40517017436242,"sku":"Predator-White-3XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":40517017469010,"sku":"Predator-White-4XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/c02a86729d51c5b789037029b2d4a867.jpg?v=1762474168"},{"product_id":"alcoholics-dont-run-they-drive-tee","title":"AAA Alcoholics Don't Run They Drive Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Alcoholics Don't Run They Drive tee from Unethical Threads is a dark humor drinking shirt that says what your bumper sticker was too scared to. Printed on heavyweight cotton, sized S to 4XL, and ready to ruin Thanksgiving dinner.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who'd rather laugh than lecture. The friend everyone screenshots but nobody reports.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis shirt is for the person in your group chat who always takes it one step too far and somehow makes it land. You read \"Alcoholics Don't Run They Drive\" and you didn't flinch, you added to cart. That's the demographic. Welcome.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that feels like a real shirt, not a gas station giveaway\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e, S through 4XL (yes, we got the big homies covered)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, because v-necks peaked in 2011\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the design stays locked in, not peeling off after three washes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePairs well with bad decisions and good company\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this going to offend someone?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlmost certainly. That's not a bug, that's the product working as intended.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUnethical Threads exists because somebody has to say the quiet part loud, and you volunteered by wearing it. If your coworker side-eyes you, just remember: they read the whole shirt. They were curious. You've already won.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes the print crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's DTG (direct-to-garment) printed, so the ink is in the fabric, not sitting on top. Wash inside out on cold and it'll outlast your liver.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so it runs comfortable whether you're built like a fridge or a lamppost.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I actually wear this in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can wear it anywhere you want. Whether you should is between you and your HR department.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf the person laughs at things they shouldn't, absolutely. If they forward you articles about \"problematic humor,\" hard pass.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40609541390418,"sku":"Drive-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40609541423186,"sku":"Drive-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40609541455954,"sku":"Drive-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40609541488722,"sku":"Drive-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40609541521490,"sku":"Drive-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":40609541554258,"sku":"Drive-Black-3XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":40609541587026,"sku":"Drive-Black-4XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40609541619794,"sku":"Drive-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40609541652562,"sku":"Drive-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40609541685330,"sku":"Drive-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40609541718098,"sku":"Drive-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40609541750866,"sku":"Drive-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40609541783634,"sku":"Drive-White-3XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":40609541816402,"sku":"Drive-White-4XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/00bdbf4cf415f72f957022bb77a227b3_1.jpg?v=1762475469"},{"product_id":"war-profit-israel-palestine-shirt","title":"War Profit Israel Palestine Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe War Profit Israel Palestine shirt from Unethical Threads says what the defense contractors won't. War is good business, and business is booming. This tee puts the quiet part loud on heavyweight cotton.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who read past the headlines.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who noticed the stock tickers going up while everything else went down. You don't need to pick a side to notice that somebody's cashing checks. If that observation makes people uncomfortable, good. That's the whole point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that feels substantial, not some tissue-paper fast fashion afterthought\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S to 4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e, because political commentary is not size-restricted\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eClassic crew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, no weird collar situations\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e directly into the fabric, so the colors stay sharp through every wash\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eThe kind of shirt you throw on when you want your outfit to do the talking\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWill this get a reaction?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. That's the point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe War Profit Israel Palestine shirt isn't subtle, and it's not trying to be. Some people will nod. Some people will stare. Some people will want to argue with you at the bar. Whether that sounds like a good time is entirely your call.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt pro-Israel or pro-Palestine?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNeither. It's pro-noticing-who-profits. The design is commentary on war profiteering, not a flag for either side.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's DTG printed directly into the fabric, not some iron-on that peels after three washes. Turn it inside out and wash cold.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this appropriate to wear in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDefine appropriate. It's a shirt with a political opinion. You'll be fine at a bar, a protest, or a barbecue. Maybe skip the corporate retreat.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHow fast does it ship?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMost orders are printed and shipped within 3-7 business days. Delivery time depends on your location after that.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40609571831890,"sku":"War-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40609571864658,"sku":"War-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40609571897426,"sku":"War-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40609571930194,"sku":"War-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40609571962962,"sku":"War-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":40609571995730,"sku":"War-Black-3XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":40609572028498,"sku":"War-Black-4XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40609572061266,"sku":"War-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40609572094034,"sku":"War-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40609572126802,"sku":"War-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40609572159570,"sku":"War-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40609572192338,"sku":"War-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40609572225106,"sku":"War-White-3XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":40609572257874,"sku":"War-White-4XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/ea4e04b82f901f952974db5e52f359d0_2.jpg?v=1762475473"},{"product_id":"still-no-hos-sweatshirt","title":"Still No Ho's Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Still No Ho's Sweatshirt is Unethical Threads' tribute to Santa's annual romantic failure. Same beard, same red suit, same results. It's a heavyweight Christmas sweatshirt for anyone who's spent another holiday season flying solo and decided to make it funny instead of sad.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho Actually Wears This?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople whose best holiday flex is self-deprecating honesty.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour single friend who sends the group chat \"still no ho's\" every December? This is their uniform. Works at ugly sweater parties, family dinners where your aunt won't stop asking about your love life, and solo couch Christmases with a whiskey. Honestly, it's funnier if it's true.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels substantial, not tissue-paper-thin like your last situationship\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e in sizes S through 4XL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, because you're keeping it simple\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the design is in the fabric, not peeling off after three washes like a screen print from 2014\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePairs nicely with eggnog, questionable decisions, and a sense of humor about your love life\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs This a Good Christmas Gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the best gift for someone who'd laugh at it and the worst gift for someone who wouldn't.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you have to wonder whether they'd be offended, they'd be offended. But for the friend who's single, knows it, and thinks it's hilarious? This is the move. You're not being mean. You're being seen. There's a difference.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes the Still No Ho's Sweatshirt shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's pre-shrunk heavyweight cotton. Wash cold, tumble dry low, and it stays true to size.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this sweatshirt actually warm?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. Heavyweight cotton means it's thick enough for real cold, not just costume-grade holiday wear.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Still No Ho's Sweatshirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or peel?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's DTG printed, which means the ink is in the fabric, not sitting on top of it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I return it if someone gets offended?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can return it per our return policy, but we can't return the look on their face.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40617565225042,"sku":"NoS-Black-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40617565257810,"sku":"NoS-Black-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40617565290578,"sku":"NoS-Black-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40617565323346,"sku":"NoS-Black-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617565356114,"sku":"NoS-Black-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617565388882,"sku":"NoS-Black-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/3befb99d98c35de7bbac0a851e7fd6cb.jpg?v=1762475527"},{"product_id":"do-not-give-me-a-cigarette-sweatshirt","title":"Do Not Give Me A Cigarette Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Do Not Give Me A Cigarette sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is for everyone who's \"quit\" smoking six times this year. You know the drill: two drinks in, someone lights up, and suddenly your willpower evaporates. This sweatshirt does the heavy lifting your self-control won't.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually needs this sweatshirt?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnyone who's ever bummed \"just one\" cigarette and then chain-smoked half a pack on someone's porch at 2 AM.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf your friends have to physically slap cigarettes out of your hand, this is the polite version of that. It's a cry for help you can wear to brunch. Let the chest do the talking so your lungs don't have to.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that feels like a real garment, not a tissue with sleeves\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck because you're not that complicated\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print that holds its color through every shame cycle in the wash\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk, so it still fits after you stress-eat instead of smoking\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift for someone trying to quit?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the best gift. Honestly, better than nicotine gum. Better than the patch.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf someone you love keeps \"quitting\" every Monday, hand them this and let the sweatshirt do the confrontation you're too nice to have. They'll laugh. Then they'll wear it. Then some stranger at a bar will actually respect the request, and you'll have done more than a box of Nicorette ever could.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this sweatshirt actually stop people from giving you cigarettes?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSurprisingly, yes. Most people read your chest before offering you a smoke. It's not foolproof (drunk people can't read), but it's more effective than your willpower.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Do Not Give Me A Cigarette sweatshirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so it works on everyone regardless of how many quit-smoking snacks you've been housing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade or crack after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNope. DTG printing bonds the ink directly into the fabric. The print will outlast your commitment to quitting.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this appropriate to wear in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt says Do Not Give Me A Cigarette. It's not profane, it's not graphic, it's just a desperate plea printed on a sweatshirt. Wear it anywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617571844178,"sku":"CigS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617571876946,"sku":"CigS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617571909714,"sku":"CigS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617571942482,"sku":"CigS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617571975250,"sku":"CigS-White-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617572008018,"sku":"CigS-White-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/769df1346746d17cd1bb245d144b6beb.jpg?v=1762475528"},{"product_id":"anal-bead-tug-o-war-champion-sweatshirt","title":"Anal Bead Tug O War Champion Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Anal Bead Tug O War Champion sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is exactly what it sounds like. Years of grip strength, determination, and questionable life choices, all immortalized on heavyweight cotton so you can finally claim the title you deserve.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who commit to the bit. This isn't a sweatshirt you throw on without thinking. It's for the friend who always takes the joke one step further, the one everyone's slightly afraid to play party games with. You know who you are.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that actually feels substantial, not some paper-thin afterthought\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL (champions come in all sizes)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck for maximum trophy-ceremony readiness\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG printed so the graphic stays sharp and vivid through every wash cycle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSoft enough to recover in after you've defended your title\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the perfect gift. Nothing says \"I know exactly who you are and I'm not sorry\" like handing someone an Anal Bead Tug O War Champion sweatshirt at a birthday party. Ideal for white elephant exchanges, bachelor parties, or that friend whose middle school tug of war training took a wildly different direction.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this sweatshirt actually comfortable?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. It's heavyweight cotton with a relaxed fit, so it's warm without feeling like a weighted blanket. Cozy enough for the couch, loud enough for the bar.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink in the wash?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFollow the care instructions (cold wash, tumble dry low) and it'll hold its size. We're not trying to ruin your victory lap.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes do you carry?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Champions come in every size.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the print going to crack or peel?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG printing bonds the ink directly into the fabric, so it stays smooth and won't crack or fade like cheap screen prints.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I return it if someone gets offended?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCheck our return policy, but someone getting offended is kind of the point. That's a feature, not a bug.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617575743570,"sku":"AnalS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617575776338,"sku":"AnalS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617575809106,"sku":"AnalS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617575841874,"sku":"AnalS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617575874642,"sku":"AnalS-White-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617575907410,"sku":"AnalS-White-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/02dc8f7a3e8fecf520f2fad637ac804e.jpg?v=1762475531"},{"product_id":"i-would-dropkick-a-child-newport-sweatshirt","title":"I Would Dropkick A Child For A Newport Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe \"I Would Dropkick A Child For A Newport\" sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is for people whose cigarette loyalty borders on felony territory. If you've ever seriously considered violence over a menthol, congratulations, this is your uniform. Heavyweight, cozy, and morally bankrupt.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe person in your friend group who everyone is slightly afraid of. You know exactly who.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is the sweatshirt for anyone whose Newport devotion transcends reason. It's for smoke break philosophers, gas station regulars, and people who've said \"I'd kill for a cigarette\" and meant it a little too literally. If you saw the words \"I Would Dropkick A Child For A Newport\" and thought \"finally, someone gets me,\" you're home.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels substantial, not that tissue-paper nonsense from brands that don't respect you\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL.\u003c\/strong\u003e Newport loyalty has no size limit\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck.\u003c\/strong\u003e Classic. Like your addiction\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e directly into the fabric so the colors stay loud even after you've washed the smoke smell out (you won't)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a perfect gift. If you know, you know.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is the gift that says \"I pay attention to your worst qualities and I celebrate them.\" Everyone has that one friend who would see this and immediately feel understood. Buy it for them. Or buy it for yourself and pretend someone thoughtful gave it to you. We won't tell.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this sweatshirt run true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a relaxed unisex fit. Go up one for oversized, stick with your usual for standard.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this offend people?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlmost certainly. That's the whole point. If your circle can't handle it, get a better circle.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the print going to crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's DTG printed directly into the fabric, not some iron-on that peels after three washes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can wear it anywhere you're comfortable being the most unhinged person in the room. So yes, everywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDo I have to smoke Newports to wear this?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo, but it helps. Non-smokers can wear it ironically. Newport diehards wear it as a statement of fact.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617580068946,"sku":"NewportS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617580101714,"sku":"NewportS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617580134482,"sku":"NewportS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617580167250,"sku":"NewportS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617580200018,"sku":"NewportS-White-2XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617580232786,"sku":"NewportS-White-3XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/9f965c9c30b2e2cd7020dd3cd7c2560f.jpg?v=1762475532"},{"product_id":"rehab-is-for-quitters-sweatshirt","title":"Rehab Is For Quitters Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Rehab Is For Quitters sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is for people who looked at self-improvement and said \"nah.\" Heavyweight, soft, and printed to last longer than your New Year's resolutions. If you're going to commit to something, might as well be bad decisions in comfortable clothing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who've accepted that their coping mechanisms are also their hobbies.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour friend who brings a flask to brunch. The person at the party who's somehow always the last one standing and the first one down. If you saw the phrase \"Rehab Is For Quitters\" and thought \"finally, a sweatshirt that gets me,\" you're exactly the target audience. No judgment here. That's literally the whole brand.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like something. Not that tissue-paper garbage.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL.\u003c\/strong\u003e Room for everyone (and everything you ate last night).\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck.\u003c\/strong\u003e Classic. Not trying to reinvent the wheel here.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the colors stay put. Unlike your dignity after an open bar.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk.\u003c\/strong\u003e Because life comes at you fast enough already.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely, for the right person.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf they laugh at things they probably shouldn't and own it, this is the move. If they send you motivational quotes at 7 a.m., maybe try a candle. 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If you've ever said \"I never said that\" while knowing full well you said exactly that, congratulations, this is your uniform.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that feels like a real commitment (unlike you)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S-4XL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck, because we're gaslighters, not monsters\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG printed so the colors stay vivid through every wash cycle and every denial\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk, so at least something in your life is predictable\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely. It's the perfect gift for someone who insists they never said that thing you both know they said. Also great for birthdays, holidays, or passive-aggressive Secret Santa exchanges. If you're worried about offending the recipient, they're probably not your target audience.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this sweatshirt run true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a relaxed unisex fit. Most people go with their usual size. Between sizes? Size up for a comfier fit.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG printing keeps the colors locked in. No cracking, no peeling, no fading.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this actually about gaslighting?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a funny alphabet joke on a sweatshirt. If someone reads deeper into it, that sounds like their problem.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this to work?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDepends on your HR department's sense of humor. If they have one, go for it. 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It's dark, it's funny, and it's printed on heavyweight cotton that won't quit on you like Ye quits social media. If you know, you know.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho's actually buying this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKanye fans who can laugh at the chaos. People who think dark humor and mental health awareness can coexist in the same sentence.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour friend who quotes Ye lyrics during serious conversations owns three of these. The person at the party who makes everyone laugh and then gets too real for a second? That's the Bipolar Express demographic. It's a pretty specific crowd, and they're all here.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like a real shirt, not a translucent napkin\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S-4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e because good jokes come in every size\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e because we're chaotic, not feral\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the colors hold up through your manic wash cycles\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk\u003c\/strong\u003e, which is more than we can say for Kanye's impulse control\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this going to offend someone?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlmost certainly. But the people who get offended weren't going to buy it anyway.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLook, this shirt lives in the same lane as everything else at Unethical Threads. If you're here, you already know the deal. The Bipolar Express Tee is for people with a sense of humor that's been described as \"a lot\" at least twice. Wear it around people who get you. Or don't. We're not your therapist.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt making fun of mental health?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's making fun of Kanye. The mental health part is just along for the ride. If you can't laugh at a celebrity who named an album after his diagnosis, we don't know what to tell you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Bipolar Express Tee come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so it works on every body type that wants to commit to this level of humor.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink in the wash?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePre-shrunk heavyweight cotton. It'll hold up better than most celebrity marriages.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHow long does shipping take?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMost orders ship within 3-5 business days. We print on demand, so your shirt is made fresh just for you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40624726671442,"sku":"Bipolar-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40624726704210,"sku":"Bipolar-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40624726736978,"sku":"Bipolar-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40624726769746,"sku":"Bipolar-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40624726802514,"sku":"Bipolar-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":40624726835282,"sku":"Bipolar-Black-3XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":40624726868050,"sku":"Bipolar-Black-4XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/b3d05f937e18d54eb0371a82f108fc77.jpg?v=1762475703"},{"product_id":"sit-on-my-face-pinocchio-tee","title":"Sit On My Face Pinocchio Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Sit On My Face Pinocchio Tee from Unethical Threads is exactly what you think it is. 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You know who you are.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels substantial, not that tissue-paper nonsense\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e, sizes S through 4XL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e (the only appropriate neckline for inappropriate content)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG print\u003c\/strong\u003e so the colors stay as vivid as the mental image you can't unsee\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMachine washable\u003c\/strong\u003e, because you'll be wearing this one a lot\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the best gift. Nothing says \"I know exactly who you are\" like handing someone a shirt with Pinocchio's face where it shouldn't be.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePerfect for white elephant exchanges, birthday roasts, or that friend who already owns our other hits and needs to keep the collection growing. Fair warning: some friendships aren't ready for this. The good ones are.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt actually inappropriate or just clickbait?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eOh, it's inappropriate. The design delivers exactly what the title promises. No bait and switch here.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Sit On My Face Pinocchio Tee come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eS through 4XL in a unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe DTG print holds up. Turn it inside out and wash cold if you want to baby it, but it can take a beating.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I actually wear this in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYou can wear it anywhere you're comfortable being looked at. Which, if you're buying this, is everywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40638072946770,"sku":"SitDaFacer-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40638072979538,"sku":"SitDaFacer-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40638073012306,"sku":"SitDaFacer-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40638073045074,"sku":"SitDaFacer-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40638073077842,"sku":"SitDaFacer-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":40856098898002,"sku":"SitDaFacer-Black-3XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 4XL","offer_id":40856098930770,"sku":"SitDaFacer-Black-4XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/Sit_On_My_Face_I_ll_Tell_You_A_Lie_T_Shirt.jpg?v=1762475811"},{"product_id":"life-lemon-chlamydia-tee","title":"AAA Life Lemon Chlamydia Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Life Lemon Chlamydia Tee from Unethical Threads takes the world's most overused motivational quote and gives it the reality check it deserves. Sure, make lemonade, but at least you didn't catch something worse. This is the shirt for people who process adversity through jokes, not journaling.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople with a functioning sense of humor and a healthy disregard for polite company. The kind of person who texts \"at least it's not chlamydia\" when their friend gets dumped.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf your idea of a good time involves making someone spit out their drink at a bar, this is your uniform. It's also the shirt your group chat dares you to wear to Thanksgiving. You should. Grandma's heard worse.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like real clothing, not a disposable napkin from a health fair\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e in sizes S through 4XL, because poor life decisions come in every size\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, classic and reliable (unlike your last situationship)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e, so the colors stay vivid long after you've made questionable choices\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMachine washable\u003c\/strong\u003e. Your shirt can survive what your reputation can't.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the best gift. This is the present that makes someone laugh so hard they forget to open the rest of their stuff.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePerfect for birthdays, breakups, white elephants, or as a \"glad your test came back negative\" celebration. If you know someone who would read \"When Life Gives You Lemons, Be Grateful It's Not Chlamydia\" and immediately put it on, you already know you're buying this.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this shirt shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's pre-shrunk heavyweight cotton. Follow the care label and it keeps its shape.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat does DTG print mean?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDirect-to-garment. The design is printed directly into the fabric, not slapped on top like a sticker. 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If you've ever said \"boss up\" without a shred of irony (or with all of the irony), this is your shirt.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that actually feels substantial, not that tissue-paper nonsense\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL, because boss energy comes in every size\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck, because you're not an animal\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print, so the colors stay vivid wash after wash\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePreshrunk, so it fits like it should from day one\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor the friend who has a vision board and a meme folder. For anyone who treats \"boss up\" as both a lifestyle and a punchline. Wrap it, don't wrap it, throw it at them across the room. The shirt does the talking.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat does Rule #1 Always Boss Up mean?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt means exactly what it says. Rule number one is to always level up, stay ambitious, and look good doing it. The cat just makes it funnier.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt unisex?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYes. Relaxed unisex fit from S to 4XL. Works on literally everyone.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink in the wash?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eNope. Preshrunk heavyweight cotton. Wash it, dry it, wear it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the print durable?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eDTG printing keeps the colors vivid and the design intact wash after wash. No cracking, no peeling.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat's the cat on this shirt about?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eA very ambitious cat reminding you of Rule #1. 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If you know, you know. This is dark humor apparel for people who laugh at the things you're not supposed to laugh at.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDog people. Specifically, pitbull owners who are tired of the looks and decided to lean all the way in.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlso anyone who treats their friend group's group chat like a competition to post the most unhinged content. If your humor got you put on a watchlist at HR, you already own three of our shirts. This one just completes the collection.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that feels like a real shirt, not a tissue paper freebie from a 5K you didn't run\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S to 4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e, because terrible humor comes in every size\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, nothing fancy, nothing to distract from the crime on your chest\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print\u003c\/strong\u003e so the colors stay vivid even after your in-laws make you wash it in shame\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk\u003c\/strong\u003e so it still fits after the hot wash your conscience told you to run\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor the right person, absolutely.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you know someone who already has a reputation for being \"the one who takes it too far,\" this is basically a uniform. Perfect for white elephant exchanges where you want to win without technically breaking any rules. Not recommended for your kid's teacher. Probably.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the Waiter More Toddlers Please tee offensive?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThat depends entirely on who's reading it. We made it for people with a dark sense of humor who don't need a warning label on their wardrobe.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this shirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eS through 4XL in a unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart on this page if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe DTG print won't fade on you. Turn it inside out, cold wash, and hang dry if you want it looking fresh for years.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I return it if it doesn't fit?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYes. Check our return policy page for details on exchanges and refunds.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt only for pitbull owners?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eNot even close. Anyone who gets the joke is welcome. 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A threat, a promise, and a deeply uncomfortable thing to read on someone's chest at a family barbecue. Peak inappropriate humor on heavyweight cotton.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who think the best defense mechanism is making everyone else uncomfortable first.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour friend who peaked in group chat humor. The person at the party you either immediately love or immediately avoid, no middle ground. If you've ever been told \"you can't say that,\" this shirt is basically your uniform.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels substantial. Not that thin, see-through stuff from a tourist shop.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL.\u003c\/strong\u003e Everyone deserves to make people uncomfortable.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck.\u003c\/strong\u003e Classic. The text does all the heavy lifting here.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print\u003c\/strong\u003e that keeps its color even after your mom washes it three times trying to make the words fade.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePrinted and shipped to order, so each one is made fresh for your specific brand of chaos.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's one of the best gifts you can give someone.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt says \"I understand your sense of humor AND I'm willing to be associated with you publicly.\" Give it to the friend who always takes the joke one step too far, or keep it for yourself. We don't judge.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this shirt run true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIt's a unisex relaxed fit, so it runs pretty standard. Check the size chart if you're between sizes. Available in S through 4XL.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eNo. DTG printing locks the ink into the fabric. Wash inside out on cold if you want to baby it, but it holds up fine either way.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this appropriate for work?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThat depends entirely on where you work. If your office has a beer fridge, probably. If you're already on thin ice with HR, read the room.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I return it if it doesn't fit?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eEach shirt is printed to order, so returns aren't available unless it arrives damaged or defective. Check the size chart before ordering.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40642665218130,"sku":"Bully-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40642665250898,"sku":"Bully-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40642665283666,"sku":"Bully-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40642665316434,"sku":"Bully-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40642665349202,"sku":"Bully-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/cc1498716895c4a78e0dbdadd9a47b15.jpg?v=1762475860"},{"product_id":"youve-yeed-your-last-haw-tee","title":"AAA You've Yeed Your Last Haw Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe You've Yeed Your Last Haw tee from Unethical Threads is a raccoon in a cowboy hat delivering the only threat that matters. Western humor for people who've never been on a horse but have very strong opinions about saloon doors.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who quote Tombstone at parties. People who unironically say \"howdy.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf your entire personality is one chaotic raccoon away from a wanted poster, congratulations, you found your uniform. It pairs well with boots, but honestly, Crocs work too. Nobody wearing this shirt is worried about looking put-together.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that could survive a dust storm (or your washing machine, same energy)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL, because cowboys come in all sizes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck, because a V-neck would be too civilized for this raccoon\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG printed so the colors stay put longer than your last relationship\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk. It won't betray you after the first wash.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the gift you give when a gift card feels lazy but you still want to be funny about it. Works for birthdays, white elephants, or any occasion where you want someone to open a box and immediately say \"what the hell.\" If they don't laugh, you now know something important about them.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this shirt run true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. It's a unisex relaxed fit available from S to 4XL. Check the size chart if you're between sizes, but it runs true.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's DTG printed, meaning the ink is embedded directly into the fabric. It holds up through washes without cracking or peeling.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt appropriate for work?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDepends entirely on your workplace. If your coworkers can handle a raccoon issuing cowboy threats, you're golden. If HR has feelings about graphic tees, maybe save it for the weekend.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes do you carry?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL, and 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit across the board.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40642666987602,"sku":"Haw-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40642667020370,"sku":"Haw-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40642667053138,"sku":"Haw-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40642667085906,"sku":"Haw-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40642667118674,"sku":"Haw-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/fd35010d6a11502c8be8c250877054c0.jpg?v=1762475860"},{"product_id":"playboy-carti-trump-mugshot-tee","title":"Playboy Carti Trump Mugshot Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Playboy Carti Trump Mugshot Tee is what happens when Unethical Threads puts two of the most unhinged public figures on one shirt. Carti's aesthetic meets Trump's booking photo in a mashup nobody asked for but everybody needs. It's rap, it's politics, it's absolutely ridiculous.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who think the culture war is better as a fashion war. If you follow Carti and also doom-scroll political Twitter at 2 AM, this shirt is the physical manifestation of your feed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt works at concerts, cookouts, and anywhere people have a sense of humor about the absolute state of things.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like you paid for quality (because you did)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL.\u003c\/strong\u003e Yes, 4XL. We don't gatekeep chaos.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, because we're unhinged but not V-neck unhinged\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print\u003c\/strong\u003e for color that doesn't bail after a few washes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk\u003c\/strong\u003e, so what you order is what shows up\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt might be the best gift. If someone in your life lives at the intersection of hip-hop and political chaos, this is the most thoughtful thing you'll ever hand them in a gift bag.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's also a fantastic way to find out if your friend group can take a joke. Consider it a vibe check with free shipping.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the Playboy Carti Trump Mugshot Tee a real product?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eVery real. Unethical Threads made it, and we're not sorry about it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shirt shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's pre-shrunk heavyweight cotton. Order your normal size and you're good.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt going to offend someone?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlmost certainly. That's kind of the point. Whether they're offended on behalf of Carti or Trump is the fun part.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHow do I wash it?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTurn it inside out, cold wash, tumble dry low. Don't iron directly on the design.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40642674524242,"sku":"CTrump-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40642674557010,"sku":"CTrump-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40642674589778,"sku":"CTrump-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40642674622546,"sku":"CTrump-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40642674655314,"sku":"CTrump-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40642674688082,"sku":"CTrump-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40642674720850,"sku":"CTrump-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40642674753618,"sku":"CTrump-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40642674786386,"sku":"CTrump-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40642674819154,"sku":"CTrump-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/5fb992253eb618b371a681126b58503b.jpg?v=1762475864"},{"product_id":"butt-snorkel-tee","title":"AAA Butt Snorkel Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Butt Snorkel Tee from Unethical Threads is a graphic tee for people who think anatomy jokes peaked somewhere around never. 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If that's you, welcome home.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that actually feels like a real shirt, not a see-through napkin\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL, because bad taste comes in all sizes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck (a V-neck would make this classy and we can't have that)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG print, so the colors stay vivid through every wash cycle and HR complaint\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk, so it fits the same whether you bought it sober or not\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWill this offend someone?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. That's the point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Butt Snorkel Tee is not subtle and it's not trying to be. If you're buying this for someone, make sure they're the type who laughs at things they probably shouldn't. 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We'd say probably not, but we also don't know your life.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40653187285074,"sku":"ButtS-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40653187317842,"sku":"ButtS-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40653187350610,"sku":"ButtS-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40653187383378,"sku":"ButtS-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40653187416146,"sku":"ButtS-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/1b1518d7a498308bb7f9edaf9fe29884.jpg?v=1762475943"},{"product_id":"worlds-sluttiest-dad-tee","title":"AAA Worlds Sluttiest Dad Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe World's Sluttiest Dad tee is exactly what it sounds like, and yes, Unethical Threads made it. 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If your dad has a sense of humor (and honestly, if he doesn't, that's a him problem), this is the move. Wrap it in tissue paper or don't. He's not a tissue paper guy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the World's Sluttiest Dad tee true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. It's a unisex relaxed fit, so it runs pretty standard. If you're between sizes, size up. Slutty dads need room to operate.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shirt shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's heavyweight cotton, so minimal shrinkage if you follow the care instructions. Cold wash, tumble dry low.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this around my kids?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat depends entirely on how you're parenting. We're not here to judge. That's your co-parent's job.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this a joke gift or do people actually wear it?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBoth. It starts as a joke gift. Then he puts it on and never takes it off. We've seen it happen hundreds of times.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat does DTG print mean?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDirect-to-garment. The design is printed directly into the fabric, not slapped on top. 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That person.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that feels like a real shirt, not a tissue paper promo tee\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e in sizes S through 4XL, because the movement is inclusive\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, because even shower shitters have standards\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print\u003c\/strong\u003e that locks the color in wash after wash\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk fabric\u003c\/strong\u003e so it still fits after you inevitably wash it on hot\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a perfect gift. If you know someone who'd laugh at this, you already know.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhite elephant, birthday, \"I saw this and thought of you.\" That last one hits the hardest, honestly. Nothing says \"I know you as a person\" quite like buying someone a shirt about shitting in the shower.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG printing bonds the ink directly into the fabric. Cold wash, tumble dry low, and the print stays sharp indefinitely.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL, and 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this appropriate to wear in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat depends entirely on your definition of appropriate. We made it. You decide where to wear it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I return it if it doesn't fit?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCheck our return policy on the site. We want you to actually wear the thing, not let it sit in a drawer.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40686993571922,"sku":"Shower-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40686993604690,"sku":"Shower-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40686993637458,"sku":"Shower-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40686993670226,"sku":"Shower-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40686993702994,"sku":"Shower-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/Shower.jpg?v=1762476112"},{"product_id":"i-love-it-when-she-bends-over-t-shirt","title":"AAA I Love It When She Bends Over T Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe \"I Love It When She Bends Over\" tee from Unethical Threads is a fishing shirt. Technically. Rod's bent, fish is on, and your mind went exactly where we wanted it to. Heavyweight cotton, filthy humor, no apologies.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnglers with no filter. The kind of person who names their boat something unprintable and still out-fishes everyone at the lake.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis shirt plays at cookouts, fishing trips, and anywhere you want to watch someone read it twice. If your friends describe you as \"a lot,\" welcome home.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that won't go see-through after one wash (you're welcome)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit from S to 4XL, because good jokes come in all sizes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG printed, so the colors stay as loud as the joke, season after season\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePairs nicely with cargo shorts and poor life decisions\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely. If someone in your life fishes and has the sense of humor of a middle schooler trapped in an adult body, just buy it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey'll wear it to every tournament, every barbecue, every family event where they weren't technically on the guest list. Funnier than a gift card. Way more memorable than socks.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt really about fishing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. There's a fishing rod bending with a fish on the line. Whatever else crossed your mind, that's between you and your therapist.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the \"I Love It When She Bends Over\" shirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit. Size up if you want it roomy, stay true to size if you want a standard fit.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNope. It's DTG printed, not some iron-on from 2004. Colors hold up wash after wash.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this around kids?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a fishing shirt. If anyone asks, point at the rod. Plausible deniability is built right in.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's pre-shrunk heavyweight cotton. Follow the care label and you're good.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40687120187474,"sku":"FishBend-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40687120220242,"sku":"FishBend-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40687120253010,"sku":"FishBend-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40687120285778,"sku":"FishBend-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40687120318546,"sku":"FishBend-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/FishBend.jpg?v=1762476115"},{"product_id":"two-in-the-pink-one-in-the-stink-funny-sex-joke-inappropriate-adult-humor-tee","title":"AAA Two In The Pink One In The Stink Funny Sex Joke Inappropriate Adult Humor Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eUnethical Threads presents the Two In The Pink, One In The Stink tee. 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It is.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that can survive your worst decisions and your washing machine\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit from S to 4XL, because bad taste comes in every size\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck, because a V-neck on this shirt would just be trying too hard\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print that keeps its color longer than most of your relationships\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk so it fits the same after laundry day, assuming you have one\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWill this offend someone?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. That's the entire point. If you're the type who checks the room before telling a joke, this probably isn't your shirt. But if your love language is making people uncomfortable at family gatherings, congratulations. You've found your uniform.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is an adult humor tee for adults who never fully grew up. We respect that here at Unethical Threads.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt actually about what I think it's about?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. We're not going to explain it here. If you know, you know.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Two In The Pink tee come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL in a unisex relaxed fit. Runs true to size.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade or crack after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's DTG printed directly into the fabric, not a cheap iron-on. Wash inside out on cold for best results, but it holds up either way.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this a good gag gift?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a perfect gag gift. Bachelor parties, White Elephant, birthdays for the most unhinged person you know.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40687188574290,"sku":"2Pink-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40687188607058,"sku":"2Pink-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40687188639826,"sku":"2Pink-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40687188672594,"sku":"2Pink-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40687188705362,"sku":"2Pink-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40687188738130,"sku":"2Pink-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40687188770898,"sku":"2Pink-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40687188803666,"sku":"2Pink-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40687188836434,"sku":"2Pink-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40687188869202,"sku":"2Pink-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/2Pink_2.jpg?v=1762476117"},{"product_id":"alpha-male-cat-t-shirt-funny-sarcastic-ironic-kitten-meme-humor-novelty-tee","title":"AAA Alpha Male Cat T Shirt Funny Sarcastic Ironic Kitten Meme Humor Novelty Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Alpha Male Cat tee from Unethical Threads takes the whole \"alpha male\" thing and hands it to a kitten. Because nothing screams dominance like a cat that knocks your water glass off the table at 3 AM. Sarcastic, funny, and the only alpha merch worth owning.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnyone who thinks the alpha male concept peaked when a cat got involved.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you've ever watched someone unironically call themselves an alpha and thought \"my cat has more authority than you,\" this shirt gets it. Cat lovers, meme addicts, people who like their humor dry and their t shirts loud. It works for all of them.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that feels like a real shirt, not a disposable napkin\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e in sizes S through 4XL (yes, we thought of you)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eClassic crew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e because some things don't need reinventing\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e directly into the fabric, so the colors stay put. 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This is the shirt that tells someone you know them better than their therapist does.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePerfect for white elephant exchanges, birthdays, bachelor parties, or just ruining someone's day in the best way possible. If they can't take a joke, that's a them problem.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this shirt really say Micropenis?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. In the classic four-colored tech logo style. It says exactly what you think it says.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Micropenis shirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS to 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so it works for everyone regardless of, well, anything.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink in the wash?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's heavyweight cotton. 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You know exactly who that is.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWorks for birthdays, White Elephant, Father's Day, or just because someone in your life needs to know you see them for who they really are. Everyone born to shit really is forced to wipe. Might as well wear it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this shirt shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's pre-shrunk, so what you order is what you get. Wash cold and tumble dry low if you want to be extra safe.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Born To Shit Forced To Wipe shirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUnisex sizes S through 4XL. Relaxed fit, runs comfortable. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the print going to crack or peel?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNope. 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No contest.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBirthdays, white elephants, bachelor parties, or just because you want to watch someone open a package and immediately question your friendship. The Go Down In History On Your Sister tee says what a greeting card never could. Wrap it badly for maximum effect.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat does the shirt actually say?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"I May Not Go Down In History But I'll Go Down On Your Sister.\" It's printed right on the front. No subtlety here.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shirt offend people?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlmost certainly. That's sort of the point. Read the room, or don't. We're not your mom.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does it come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL in a unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNope. DTG (direct to garment) printing keeps the colors locked in. Turn it inside out, wash cold, and it'll outlast your reputation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I return it if my sister finds out?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCheck our return policy on the site. But honestly, if your sister found out, you've got bigger problems than a refund.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40688198910034,"sku":"SDown-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40688198942802,"sku":"SDown-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40688198975570,"sku":"SDown-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40688199008338,"sku":"SDown-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40688199041106,"sku":"SDown-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40703955370066,"sku":"SDown-White-3XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":40703955402834,"sku":"SDown-White-4XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/SDown.jpg?v=1762476145"},{"product_id":"fat-because-i-fuck-your-mom-she-makes-me-sandwich-t-shirt","title":"AAA Fat Because I Fuck Your Mom She Makes Me Sandwich T Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eUnethical Threads made the Fat Because I Fuck Your Mom She Makes Me Sandwich tee for the person in every friend group who always takes it one step too far. It's a your-mom joke, a sandwich joke, and a confession all on one shirt. If you have to ask whether you'd wear it, it's not for you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who peaked at your-mom jokes in middle school and never looked back. The ones who make the whole table groan and then order another round.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis shirt does well at cookouts, dive bars, and anywhere people stopped being polite a long time ago. It pairs nicely with cargo shorts and a complete lack of shame. Your friends will either love it or pretend they don't know you (both outcomes are funny).\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels substantial, not that tissue-paper nonsense\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e from S to 4XL, because your-mom jokes are for everybody\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eClassic crew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e so the shirt looks normal until people read it\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print\u003c\/strong\u003e for colors that stay vivid even after your mom washes it for you\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk fabric\u003c\/strong\u003e so it won't get smaller (you, however, are on your own)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOne of the best. If someone in your life has ever said something like this out loud at a family dinner, you already know they need this shirt.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a solid pick for Secret Santa, birthday gags, or just because you saw it and immediately thought of that one friend. Fair warning: the recipient will wear it constantly and you will be blamed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. The DTG print holds up wash after wash. Turn it inside out and wash cold if you want to baby it, but it's not fragile.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. It's a unisex relaxed fit, so check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt comfortable?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. Heavyweight cotton with a relaxed fit. It feels like a real shirt, not a cheap promotional giveaway.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this get me in trouble?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat depends entirely on where you wear it. We make the shirts. What you do with them is between you and whoever's mom it is.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40688203694162,"sku":"SMom-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40688203726930,"sku":"SMom-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40688203759698,"sku":"SMom-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40688203792466,"sku":"SMom-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40688203825234,"sku":"SMom-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/SMom.jpg?v=1762476146"},{"product_id":"i-have-pubic-lice-t-shirt","title":"AAA I Have Pubic Lice T Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe \"I Have Pubic Lice\" tee from Unethical Threads is exactly what it sounds like: a loud, shameless declaration that you have terrible judgment, an incredible sense of humor, or both. No subtlety here. None needed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople whose humor peaked at about age 13 and never looked back. This shirt hits hardest at house parties, bar crawls, and anywhere people are drinking enough to read your chest. It's the kind of thing you throw on when you want to be the main character for all the wrong reasons. Less \"fashion statement,\" more \"personal liability.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton.\u003c\/strong\u003e Thick, soft, holds its shape through every wash.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL.\u003c\/strong\u003e One size fits most bad decisions.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck.\u003c\/strong\u003e Clean lines, no distractions from the main event.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print\u003c\/strong\u003e keeps colors locked in wash after wash.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eThe shirt is built better than your excuse for wearing it.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely, if your goal is to find out exactly how strong a friendship is. Birthday, White Elephant, bachelor party, doesn't matter. If you saw this shirt and immediately thought of someone specific, that's your sign. They'll hate you for it, but only briefly.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the I Have Pubic Lice shirt meant to be taken seriously?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eNo. But the look on strangers' faces when they read it is very real.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eS through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit. Pubic lice don't discriminate and neither do we.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shirt shrink or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eDTG printing keeps the colors locked in, and the heavyweight cotton holds its shape. This shirt will outlast whatever social situation you wear it to.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eLegally, yes. Without consequences? That depends entirely on where you are and how fast you can run.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40688277487698,"sku":"Pubic-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40688277520466,"sku":"Pubic-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40688277553234,"sku":"Pubic-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40688277586002,"sku":"Pubic-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40688277618770,"sku":"Pubic-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/Pubic.jpg?v=1762476152"},{"product_id":"i-love-my-wife-my-country-and-getting-pegged-t-shirt","title":"AAA I Love My Wife My Country And Getting Pegged T Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eUnethical Threads made the I Love My Wife My Country And Getting Pegged tee for guys who are honest about all three. 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Look, if \"I Love My Wife My Country And Getting Pegged\" doesn't describe your Saturday, we can't help you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that feels like an actual shirt, not a gas station promo tee\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e in sizes S through 4XL, because freedom comes in all sizes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, keeping it classy from the collar up\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the colors stay loud through every wash cycle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk fabric\u003c\/strong\u003e, so what you order is what shows up (unlike your dating profile)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt might be the best gift you ever give someone.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnniversary, birthday, Father's Day, \"I'm sorry I told your mom.\" This shirt says \"I love you and I support your lifestyle\" better than a Hallmark card ever could. Fair warning: if the recipient doesn't find this funny, that's a relationship red flag, not a product defect.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt actually comfortable?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. Heavyweight cotton, relaxed fit, soft enough that you'll forget you're wearing something controversial.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so it works on every body type.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG (direct-to-garment) printing keeps the colors locked in wash after wash.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can wear it anywhere you're brave enough to wear it. We've seen it at barbecues, bars, and one very memorable PTA meeting.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this a good anniversary gift?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf your partner has a sense of humor and you both have a sense of adventure, this is the most honest anniversary gift on the internet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40688288038994,"sku":"WCGP-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40688288071762,"sku":"WCGP-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40688288104530,"sku":"WCGP-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40688288137298,"sku":"WCGP-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40688288170066,"sku":"WCGP-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/WCGP.jpg?v=1762476154"},{"product_id":"all-my-friends-are-on-federal-watchlists-t-shirt","title":"AAA All My Friends Are On Federal Watchlists T Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe All My Friends Are On Federal Watchlists t-shirt from Unethical Threads is exactly what it sounds like. A public declaration that your social circle is, at best, interesting to the government. Wear it to family dinner. See what happens.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who've accepted that their group chat alone could trigger an investigation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour friend who says \"allegedly\" a little too often. The one whose search history would make a prosecutor cry. If your crew runs clean, this shirt isn't for you, and honestly, you sound boring.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that actually feels substantial, not that tissue-paper nonsense\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit from S to 4XL, because federal attention doesn't discriminate by body type\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) printing for color that holds up through every wash and every lineup\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePairs well with poor life choices and a lawyer on retainer\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a perfect gift.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf someone in your life has ever made you think \"yeah, they're definitely on a list,\" this is their shirt. Works for birthdays, holidays, bail celebrations. It tells the recipient you pay attention, you get them, and you're not a snitch about it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this shirt actually put me on a watchlist?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe can't confirm or deny. But if you weren't on one before, wearing this around an airport probably won't help.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so it runs comfortable on everyone.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade or crack?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's DTG printed directly into the fabric, not some iron-on that peels after three washes. Follow the care label (cold wash, tumble dry low) and you're good.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this appropriate for work?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDepends where you work. If your office has a sense of humor, go for it. If HR already has a file on you, maybe don't add fuel.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40694461071442,"sku":"Fed-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40694461104210,"sku":"Fed-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40694461136978,"sku":"Fed-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40694461169746,"sku":"Fed-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40694461202514,"sku":"Fed-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/FederalWatchlist.jpg?v=1762476192"},{"product_id":"in-my-flop-era","title":"AAA In My Flop Era","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe In My Flop Era tee from Unethical Threads is for everyone currently losing at life and owning it. Some people get glow-ups. You got this shirt. Self-deprecating humor on heavyweight cotton, which is honestly more than most people accomplish in their flop era.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnyone comfortable admitting that things are not, in fact, going according to plan.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf your last three ideas tanked, your houseplant is dead, and your most notable recent achievement was getting out of bed before noon, this shirt was designed with you in mind. It's not giving up. It's rebranding.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels substantial, not that see-through tissue paper stuff\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e (your flop era doesn't discriminate by body type)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, because we're flopping, not experimenting with necklines\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the design stays vivid, even if your life trajectory doesn't\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMachine washable\u003c\/strong\u003e, which matters because you probably don't have a dry cleaner situation going on\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eDoes this actually work as a gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's one of the best gifts you can give someone.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNothing says \"I love you and I see you clearly\" like handing a person a shirt that gently acknowledges their failures. 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No cracking, no peeling, no flaking off like a cheap screen print.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the In My Flop Era shirt actually comfortable?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHeavyweight cotton, relaxed fit, crew neck. 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You already know if this is your shirt. If you're still reading, it is.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho's actually buying this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who drink Twisted Tea and have a sense of humor about it. That's the whole demographic.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis one got requested so many times we finally caved. Turns out a lot of you would, in fact, dropkick a child for a Twisted Tea. We don't judge. We just print.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that feels like a real shirt, not a gas station giveaway\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit from S to 4XL, because commitment to the bit comes in all sizes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG printed so the colors don't bail on you after three washes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePairs well with an actual Twisted Tea (and questionable life choices)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eShould I give this as a gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely. This is the gift for the friend who always says the thing everyone else is thinking.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWrap it, don't wrap it, throw it at them across the room. The presentation matters less than the fact that you understood the assignment. 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One of the most requested shirts in our Dropkick series, and honestly, we get it. Nicotine cravings hit different.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho Actually Wears This?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who've made questionable decisions at a gas station at 2 AM. Smokers, ex-smokers, people who just think Joe Camel was the greatest mascot ever designed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you've ever bummed a cigarette from a stranger and felt absolutely nothing about it, this shirt was made for you. The Dropkick series is our most unhinged product line, and the Camel Cigarette edition might be the crown jewel.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like a shirt, not a gas station promo tee you got free with a carton\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL.\u003c\/strong\u003e Yes, 4XL. We don't gatekeep.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eClassic crew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e because we're unhinged, not avant-garde\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e directly into the fabric so the colors stay vivid long after your lungs don't\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk.\u003c\/strong\u003e We've already ruined enough things.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs This Actually a Good Gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you know someone who smokes Camels (or used to, or wants to, or just thinks retro cigarette branding is peak culture), yes. Absolutely.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the kind of gift that makes someone laugh, put it on immediately, and refuse to take it off for a week. Terrible gift for your health-conscious CrossFit friend though. Read the room.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt really about dropkicking children?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's about the lengths some people would hypothetically go to for a Camel cigarette. It's a joke. If you need that explained, this probably isn't your brand.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade or crack after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's DTG printed directly into the fabric, not some iron-on that peels after three washes. 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It pairs well with poor decisions and a complete lack of shame.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that can take as much abuse as your reputation\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S-4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e (yes, we got you)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, because we're unhinged, not animals\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the colors stay vivid long after your friends stop being surprised by you\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk.\u003c\/strong\u003e The shirt, not your social circle. That part's on you.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWill this actually offend people?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlmost certainly. That's the point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you wanted safe you'd be on some other site buying a shirt that says \"But First, Coffee.\" This is Unethical Threads. We knew what we were doing when we made a shirt about dropkicking children for cigarettes. You know what you're doing by buying it. We respect that.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this shirt actually about Lucky Strike cigarettes?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. It's a love letter to Lucky Strike, written by someone who probably shouldn't be around children.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so it runs comfortable on everyone.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG (direct to garment) printing keeps the colors locked in. Follow the care instructions and it'll outlast most of your relationships.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you know someone well enough to give them this, you already know the answer. Yes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the fabric cheap and thin?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. This is heavyweight cotton with a relaxed fit. It has actual substance, not the tissue paper stuff from fast fashion brands.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40742873694290,"sku":"LuckyStrike-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40742873727058,"sku":"LuckyStrike-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40742873759826,"sku":"LuckyStrike-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40742873792594,"sku":"LuckyStrike-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40742873825362,"sku":"LuckyStrike-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40742873858130,"sku":"LuckyStrike-White-3XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":40742873890898,"sku":"LuckyStrike-White-4XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/a54c2948abe958ca2ae2b99cb57c5b65_0133b1fc-d9c8-4f4c-a5dd-5abfe533777f.jpg?v=1762476683"},{"product_id":"new-i-would-dropkick-a-child-for-a-corona-tee","title":"*NEW* I Would Dropkick A Child For A Corona Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe I Would Dropkick A Child For A Corona tee is Unethical Threads at peak volume. It says what everyone's thinking after beer number four, except you're wearing it sober at noon. Requested by popular demand, limited stock.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who love Corona and hate small talk.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe kind of person who walks into a cookout and gets handed a beer before they get handed a plate. You already know if this is your shirt. If you're hesitating, it probably isn't.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that won't disintegrate after three washes (or three fights)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck, because you're unhinged, not sloppy\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print, so the colors stay loud even when you shouldn't\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMachine washable, which is good because this shirt is going places\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the best gift.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnyone can buy someone a gift card. This takes knowledge. You have to know the person well enough to know they'll laugh and not call HR. If you have that friend, you already know who they are.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the I Would Dropkick A Child For A Corona shirt true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. It's a unisex relaxed fit. If you're between sizes, go with your usual. Sizes run S through 4XL.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shirt shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMinimal shrinkage if you follow care instructions. Wash cold, tumble dry low. The heavyweight cotton holds up.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHow long does shipping take?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMost orders ship within 3 to 5 business days. You'll get a tracking number once it's on the way.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I return it if it doesn't fit?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCheck our return policy page for the full details. We want you happy, just not in a way that involves us reading your complaint emails.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or peel?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG printing bonds the ink directly into the fabric fibers, so it won't crack, peel, or fade like cheap screen print transfers.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40752723066962,"sku":"Corona-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40752723099730,"sku":"Corona-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40752723132498,"sku":"Corona-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40752723165266,"sku":"Corona-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40752723198034,"sku":"Corona-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40752723230802,"sku":"Corona-White-3XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 4XL","offer_id":40752723263570,"sku":"Corona-White-4XL","price":26.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/30ea2355d1dcae909c1cea530cf762fb.jpg?v=1762476728"},{"product_id":"i-have-a-bomb-t-shirt","title":"AAA I Have A Bomb T Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe I Have A Bomb shirt is a dark humor graphic tee from Unethical Threads. Heavyweight cotton, DTG printed, and almost certainly going to make someone at the grocery store very uncomfortable. Not subtle. Not trying to be.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe friend in your group chat who always takes it one step too far. The cousin who got uninvited from Thanksgiving and showed up anyway.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you've ever been told \"you can't say that\" and took it as encouragement, this is your shirt. It's not for everyone. That's the entire point. Unethical Threads makes clothes for the people who got permanently banned from polite company and decided to lean into it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that feels substantial (you'll need that weight when you're standing your ground)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit from S to 4XL, so everyone gets to make questionable decisions\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck, because at least one thing about this shirt should be traditional\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print, colors stay vivid wash after wash\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMachine washable, though your reputation after wearing this may not be\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this going to get me in trouble?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePossibly. That's part of the appeal.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe're not your lawyer and we're definitely not your mom. But this is 100% a joke shirt, and the people who get it will love it. The people who don't get it will give you a look. Both reactions are equally entertaining. Wear it to the right barbecue and you're a legend. Wear it to the wrong one and you've got a great story.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the I Have A Bomb shirt a real product?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYes. It's a real shirt that really says that. We really made it and you can really buy it. Welcome to Unethical Threads.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the I Have A Bomb shirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eS through 4XL in a unisex relaxed fit. Runs true to size.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shirt get me stopped at the airport?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWe strongly recommend not testing that theory. 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The social consequences of wearing it are your problem, not ours.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40757913550930,"sku":"HBomb-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40757913583698,"sku":"HBomb-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40757913616466,"sku":"HBomb-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40757913649234,"sku":"HBomb-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40757913682002,"sku":"HBomb-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/HBomb.jpg?v=1762476773"},{"product_id":"ill-gargle-your-piss-like-its-listerine-shirt","title":"AAA I'll Gargle Your Piss Like It's Listerine Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eUnethical Threads made the I'll Gargle Your Piss Like It's Listerine shirt because somebody had to. It's a heavyweight cotton tee with DTG printing that says exactly what you're thinking at 2 AM. If you know, you know.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe friend everyone's a little scared of but always invites anyway. You're not wearing this to Sunday brunch with your in-laws (or maybe you are, we don't judge). This is for the person whose humor has no safety net, and they like it that way.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that feels like it can take a punch. Because it can.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL. Room for everyone.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck. Classic. Not reinventing the wheel here.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print, so the colors stay loud wash after wash.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eYes, the text is exactly as unhinged as it looks in the photo.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOnly if you actually know the person. Give this to someone you've seen at their worst and laughed about it together. If you have to wonder whether they'd be offended, they probably will be, and you should probably pick a different friend.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this shirt actually say \"I'll Gargle Your Piss Like It's Listerine\" on it?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. Every word. No censoring, no asterisks. 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Socially, that depends entirely on where you're going and how much you care about being invited back.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40757951135826,"sku":"Gargle-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40757951168594,"sku":"Gargle-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40757951201362,"sku":"Gargle-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40757951234130,"sku":"Gargle-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40757951266898,"sku":"Gargle-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/Gargle.jpg?v=1762476782"},{"product_id":"i-eat-cement-t-shirt","title":"AAA I Eat Cement T Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe I Eat Cement t shirt from Unethical Threads is exactly what it sounds like. A cat staring you down while declaring its love of cement. No deeper meaning, no metaphor. Just pure, uncut absurdity printed on heavyweight cotton for people who decided \"normal\" was never really their thing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho Actually Wears an I Eat Cement Shirt?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe kind of person who sends unhinged memes to the group chat at 2 AM and never apologizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you've ever said something so bizarre that the room went quiet before everyone started laughing, this is your uniform. It's also weirdly popular as a gift, probably because nothing says \"I understand you as a person\" like giving someone a shirt about eating cement.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that feels like a real shirt, not a costume-store afterthought\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL (yes, we thought of you)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG printed so the colors stay locked in, not fading on you three washes later\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePairs well with questionable life decisions\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs This a Good Gift for Someone Weird?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHonestly, it's the best gift for someone you can never buy normal things for.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou know the friend. The one whose search history would concern a therapist. Hand them an I Eat Cement shirt and watch the recognition in their eyes. They won't say thank you. They'll just nod, because they get it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat does \"I Eat Cement\" mean?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNothing. That's the whole point. It's pure absurdist humor, and the deadpan cat graphic sells it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this shirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSizes S through 4XL in a unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's DTG printed, meaning the ink bonds into the fabric instead of sitting on top. Wash inside out in cold water and it holds up.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I actually wear this in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can and you should. People will either laugh or be confused, and both of those reactions are correct.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40758000975954,"sku":"IECat-White-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40758001008722,"sku":"IECat-White-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40758001041490,"sku":"IECat-White-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40758001074258,"sku":"IECat-White-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40758001107026,"sku":"IECat-White-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/IECat.jpg?v=1762476799"},{"product_id":"active-shooter-t-shirt","title":"AAA Active Shooter T Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Active Shooter t-shirt from Unethical Threads puts a basketball player front and center, letting the name do all the work. If you get it, you get it. If you don't, you're probably not shopping here anyway.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who think the best jokes make half the room uncomfortable. Basketball fans with a dark streak, group chat menaces, and the coworker HR already has a file on.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is the shirt you throw on when you want to see who in the room is paying attention. It filters out the boring people fast.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like a real shirt, not a sad napkin with sleeves\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e from S to 4XL, because dark humor comes in all sizes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, classic cut, nothing weird going on\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the graphic stays crisp and doesn't crack after three washes like some gas station iron-on\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMachine washable. We're not animals.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this going to offend someone?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlmost certainly. 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Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shirt get me in trouble?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe can't promise it won't. But if someone gets upset, just point at the basketball player and let them work through it on their own.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf your friend loves dark humor and basketball, this is a no-brainer. If they don't have a sense of humor, maybe get them a candle.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes the print fade or crack?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNope. DTG (direct-to-garment) printing keeps the color locked in. Wash it, wear it, repeat.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40760279990354,"sku":"AShooter-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40760280023122,"sku":"AShooter-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40760280055890,"sku":"AShooter-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40760280088658,"sku":"AShooter-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40760280121426,"sku":"AShooter-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/AShooter.jpg?v=1762476830"},{"product_id":"cat-smoking-cigarette-t-shirtcat-smoking-cigarette-t-shirt","title":"AAA Cat Smoking Cigarette Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe AAA Cat Smoking Cigarette Tee from Unethical Threads is exactly what it sounds like. A cat, smoking a cigarette, living on your chest rent-free. No deeper meaning, no metaphor, just a cat making questionable life choices on heavyweight cotton.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually buys a cat smoking a cigarette shirt?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople with taste, obviously. This is for the cat person who doesn't plaster \"fur mama\" on everything they own.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou know cats are chaotic little sociopaths. This shirt just puts that energy into graphic form. Pair it with jeans, pair it with sweatpants, pair it with the faint smell of cigarette smoke for full immersion.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that actually has some weight to it (wild concept, we know)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit from S to 4XL, because good taste comes in all sizes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck. Classic. Timeless. The cigarette cat demands it.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) printing keeps the colors locked in wash after wash\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk so your cat doesn't slowly shrink into a kitten\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eCan I give this as a gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely. This is the gift for the person who sends you cat memes at 2 AM and has opinions about everything.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt says \"I get you\" without you having to write anything in a card. Works for birthdays, white elephants, or as an apology for being a terrible texter.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the shirt soft or stiff?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSoft. It's heavyweight cotton but it doesn't feel like cardboard. Comfortable from the first wear.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or peel?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG printing bonds the ink directly into the fabric fibers. The smoking cat stays intact wash after wash.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes do you carry?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL in a unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMinimal shrinkage if you follow the care label. Cold wash, tumble dry low.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this going to offend people?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a cartoon cat with a cigarette. 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It's the kind of gift that makes someone laugh, then immediately put it on, then refuse to explain it to anyone who asks. That's the whole experience.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the I Eat Cement shirt a reference to something?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's internet absurdism at its finest. A pink cat declaring it eats cement. There's no deeper meaning, and that's the whole point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink in the wash?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHeavyweight cotton holds its shape. Wash cold, tumble dry low, and it stays true to size.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this a good gift for someone with weird humor?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf they send you unhinged memes at 2 AM, yes. 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It's absurdist, it's a little unhinged, and it's printed on a shirt you'll actually want to wear.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who recycle but also know it's mostly theater. The ones who bring reusable bags to the store and then use them to carry home single-use everything.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you've ever said \"we're all gonna die anyway\" while sorting your compost, this shirt was designed for you. It's not activism. It's not anti-activism. 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They'll know you actually pay attention to their sense of humor, which is more than most people can say.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat does the Save The Environment Eat Plastic shirt look like?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt features a cat meme graphic with the text \"Save The Environment, Eat Plastic.\" DTG printed for sharp detail and colors that last.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL in a unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHeavyweight cotton holds its shape. 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It's a loyalty oath to artificial color.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that feels like it costs more than your Red 40 habit\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e, so the whole spectrum of food dye enthusiasts is covered\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eClassic crew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, because some things don't need to be disrupted\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print\u003c\/strong\u003e, so the colors stay vivid longer than Red 40 stays legal in any given country\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk\u003c\/strong\u003e, because surprises belong in ingredient lists, not your laundry\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. If you know someone who's been personally victimized by the Red 40 discourse, this is their shirt.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWorks for birthdays, holidays, or as a passive-aggressive commentary on someone's diet. The cat graphic seals it. Nobody sees this on a shelf and walks past it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the Don't Talk To Me Until I've Had My Red 40 shirt soft?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. It's heavyweight cotton with a relaxed fit. Soft enough that you'll forget you're wearing a statement about food dye.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Red 40 shirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so size down if you like it snug.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shirt shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's pre-shrunk. The only thing shrinking is the list of countries where Red 40 is still legal.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDTG printing means the design holds up. It'll stay vivid longer than your commitment to reading ingredient labels.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat's on the shirt besides the text?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA cat graphic. 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Your student loans definitely get it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that won't fall apart like your 401(k)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck, because at least something in your life should feel put-together\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print, so the colors stay vivid longer than your credit score\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk and machine washable. The shirt holds up even if you can't.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. If someone in your life is drowning in student loans, a mortgage they can't afford, or just vibes with financial despair, this is the gift.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt says \"I see you, and I think your suffering is hilarious.\" That's love. 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It's DTG printed, which means the ink is embedded in the fabric. No cracking, no peeling, no fading into obscurity like your financial plans.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40760718426194,"sku":"CDebt-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40760718458962,"sku":"CDebt-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40760718491730,"sku":"CDebt-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40760718524498,"sku":"CDebt-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40760718557266,"sku":"CDebt-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/CDebt.jpg?v=1762476874"},{"product_id":"therapy-is-not-enough-i-need-to-bite-someone-t-shirt","title":"AAA Therapy Is Not Enough I Need To Bite Someone T Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Therapy Is Not Enough I Need To Bite Someone t-shirt from Unethical Threads is for everyone who's done the breathing exercises, tried the journaling, and still wants to sink their teeth into someone's arm. Sometimes self-care has teeth.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho Actually Wears This?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who've been to therapy and know it works. They just also know it has limits.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can process your feelings all day, but sometimes the urge to chomp is simply stronger than any coping mechanism your therapist handed you on a laminated card. This shirt is the honest update your mental health journey didn't ask for.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that feels substantial, not like a tissue you'd cry into during session\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit from S to 4XL, because the urge to bite transcends body type\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck, because you're unhinged, not uncivilized\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG printed so the colors stay vivid long after your emotional regulation doesn't\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMachine washable. Your therapist would be proud you're handling at least one thing\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs This an Appropriate Gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor the friend who texts you mid-session with updates. For the coworker who visibly clenches their jaw during meetings. For yourself, because you've earned it and your therapist would call that self-compassion.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this shirt shrink?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMinimal shrinkage if you wash cold and tumble dry low. It's more stable than your emotional state.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes are available?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL in a unisex relaxed fit. Works for everyone who's ever had the urge to bite.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the print durable?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDTG (direct to garment) printing keeps the colors locked in wash after wash. The print will outlast your patience.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this to therapy?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can and you should. Think of it as a visual aid for your next session. Your therapist has seen worse.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this offend people?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOnly the ones who've never wanted to bite someone. So, nobody real.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40760720064594,"sku":"BITHE-Black-S","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40760720097362,"sku":"BITHE-Black-M","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40760720130130,"sku":"BITHE-Black-L","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40760720162898,"sku":"BITHE-Black-XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40760720195666,"sku":"BITHE-Black-2XL","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/BITHE.jpg?v=1762476874"}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/collections\/Funny_Cat_Dad_Shirts.jpg?v=1761607774","url":"https:\/\/unethicalthreads.com\/collections\/funny-cat-dad-shirts.oembed","provider":"Unethical Threads","version":"1.0","type":"link"}