{"title":"Long Sleeve T Shirts With Funny Sayings","description":"\u003cstyle\u003e\n.collection-intro {margin: 0 0 15px 0;}\n.collection-intro p {margin: 0 0 15px 0; line-height: 1.6;}\n.trust-signals {background: #e8f5e9; padding: 12px; border-radius: 6px; text-align: center; font-size: 13px; margin: 10px 0 15px 0;}\n.desc-collapsed {max-height: 0; overflow: hidden; transition: max-height 0.3s ease;}\n.desc-expanded {max-height: 5000px;}\n.read-more-btn {background: #3498db; color: white; border: none; padding: 10px 20px; border-radius: 5px; cursor: pointer; font-size: 14px; margin: 10px 0 20px 0; font-weight: 600;}\n.read-more-btn:hover {background: #2980b9;}\n\u003c\/style\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv class=\"collection-intro\"\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eExplore our long sleeve t shirts with funny sayings collection at Unethical Threads where inappropriate meets impeccable quality. These long sleeve t shirts with funny sayings are crafted for those who appreciate humor that pushes boundaries. Sizes S-4XL, free shipping on all orders.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"trust-signals\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003e✓ Free Shipping On All Orders\u003c\/strong\u003e | \u003cstrong\u003e✓ 30-Day Guarantee\u003c\/strong\u003e | \u003cstrong\u003e✓ Sizes S-4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cbutton class=\"read-more-btn\" onclick=\"var desc = document.getElementById('collection-desc-long-sleeve-t-shirts-with-funny-sayings'); desc.classList.toggle('desc-collapsed'); desc.classList.toggle('desc-expanded'); this.textContent = desc.classList.contains('desc-expanded') ? 'Show Less ▲' : 'Read More ▼';\"\u003eRead More ▼\u003c\/button\u003e\n\n\u003cdiv id=\"collection-desc-long-sleeve-t-shirts-with-funny-sayings\" class=\"desc-collapsed\"\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eAbout Our Long Sleeve T Shirts With Funny Sayings Collection\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch3\u003ePremium Quality \u0026amp; Features\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch3\u003ePerfect Occasions\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch3\u003eWhy Choose Unethical Threads\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch3\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eRelated Collections:\u003c\/strong\u003e \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/UnethicalThreads.com\/collections\/funny-shirts\"\u003eComplete Funny Shirts Collection\u003c\/a\u003e | \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/UnethicalThreads.com\/collections\/tee-shirts-with-funny-sayings-on-them\"\u003eTee Shirts With Funny Sayings On Them\u003c\/a\u003e | \u003ca href=\"https:\/\/UnethicalThreads.com\/collections\/womens-funny-long-sleeve-t-shirts\"\u003eWomen'S Funny Long Sleeve T-Shirts\u003c\/a\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\n\u003cscript type=\"application\/ld+json\"\u003e\n{\n  \"@context\": \"https:\/\/schema.org\",\n  \"@type\": \"CollectionPage\",\n  \"name\": \"Long Sleeve T Shirts With Funny Sayings\",\n  \"url\": \"https:\/\/UnethicalThreads.com\/collections\/long-sleeve-t-shirts-with-funny-sayings\"\n}\n\u003c\/script\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"do-not-give-me-a-cigarette-sweatshirt","title":"Do Not Give Me A Cigarette Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Do Not Give Me A Cigarette sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is for everyone who's \"quit\" smoking six times this year. You know the drill: two drinks in, someone lights up, and suddenly your willpower evaporates. This sweatshirt does the heavy lifting your self-control won't.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually needs this sweatshirt?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnyone who's ever bummed \"just one\" cigarette and then chain-smoked half a pack on someone's porch at 2 AM.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf your friends have to physically slap cigarettes out of your hand, this is the polite version of that. It's a cry for help you can wear to brunch. Let the chest do the talking so your lungs don't have to.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that feels like a real garment, not a tissue with sleeves\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck because you're not that complicated\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print that holds its color through every shame cycle in the wash\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk, so it still fits after you stress-eat instead of smoking\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift for someone trying to quit?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the best gift. Honestly, better than nicotine gum. Better than the patch.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf someone you love keeps \"quitting\" every Monday, hand them this and let the sweatshirt do the confrontation you're too nice to have. They'll laugh. Then they'll wear it. Then some stranger at a bar will actually respect the request, and you'll have done more than a box of Nicorette ever could.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this sweatshirt actually stop people from giving you cigarettes?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSurprisingly, yes. Most people read your chest before offering you a smoke. It's not foolproof (drunk people can't read), but it's more effective than your willpower.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does the Do Not Give Me A Cigarette sweatshirt come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so it works on everyone regardless of how many quit-smoking snacks you've been housing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade or crack after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNope. DTG printing bonds the ink directly into the fabric. The print will outlast your commitment to quitting.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this appropriate to wear in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt says Do Not Give Me A Cigarette. It's not profane, it's not graphic, it's just a desperate plea printed on a sweatshirt. Wear it anywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617571844178,"sku":"CigS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617571876946,"sku":"CigS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617571909714,"sku":"CigS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617571942482,"sku":"CigS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617571975250,"sku":"CigS-White-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617572008018,"sku":"CigS-White-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/769df1346746d17cd1bb245d144b6beb.jpg?v=1762475528"},{"product_id":"certified-munch-sweatshirt","title":"Certified Munch Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Certified Munch Sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is exactly what it sounds like. You earned the title, now wear it. Heavyweight cotton, relaxed fit, and zero ambiguity about where your talents lie.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou already know. It's for the person at the party who says the thing everyone was thinking but nobody had the nerve to say out loud. The one whose dating profile should probably come with a warning label.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf \"Certified Munch\" makes you laugh instead of blush, this is your sweatshirt. Simple as that.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels substantial, not some see-through fast fashion situation\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e, because talent comes in every size\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, classic and clean\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG (direct-to-garment) print\u003c\/strong\u003e, so the colors hold up through every laundry cycle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk fabric\u003c\/strong\u003e, because you already committed to the bit\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOne of the best, honestly. It's the kind of gift that tells someone you really know them. Or the kind that gets you blocked. There's no middle ground, and that's the whole point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePerfect for birthdays, White Elephant, or just letting someone know you see them. You know what you did.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat does Certified Munch mean?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you have to ask, you might not be ready for this sweatshirt. It's viral slang that blew up in pop culture. Google it, but maybe not at work.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this sweatshirt run true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a relaxed unisex fit, so it runs pretty standard. Check the size chart if you're between sizes. Available S through 4XL.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNope. It's DTG printed, which means the ink is embedded in the fabric, not sitting on top. Wash cold, tumble low or hang dry if you want to be extra.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this to work?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat depends entirely on your workplace and your relationship with HR. We're not your career counselor.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617572925522,"sku":"MunchS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617572958290,"sku":"MunchS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617572991058,"sku":"MunchS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617573023826,"sku":"MunchS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617573056594,"sku":"MunchS-White-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617573089362,"sku":"MunchS-White-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/ef4453cd9e814d7c9bf809a920d1e036.jpg?v=1762475530"},{"product_id":"two-seater-sweatshirt","title":"Two Seater Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Two Seater sweatshirt from Unethical Threads says what you're too polite to say out loud. It's a heavyweight crewneck with a graphic that speaks for itself. If you get it, you get it, and if you don't, honestly, good for you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople with a sense of humor and a healthy disregard for polite company.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Two Seater shows up at barbecues, house parties, and anywhere you'd rather let your chest do the talking. It's a personality test disguised as a crewneck.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like it costs money, not a napkin with sleeves\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit\u003c\/strong\u003e from S to 4XL, because everyone deserves a seat\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e. You're inappropriate, not uncivilized.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e, so the colors outlast your relationships\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMachine washable\u003c\/strong\u003e. Your choices are questionable but at least your laundry routine doesn't have to be.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a great gift for someone you actually know well enough to give it to.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is not a Secret Santa pick for the coworker you met last Tuesday. This is for your best friend, your partner who gets your humor, or yourself, because you earned it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes the Two Seater sweatshirt run true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a relaxed unisex fit. If you want it snug, go with your normal size. If you like it loose, size up one.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink in the wash?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFollow the care instructions and it'll hold up fine. Cold wash, tumble dry low. Don't boil it like pasta.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the print going to crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDTG printing bonds the ink directly into the fabric. It's not a cheap iron-on from 2004.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this to work?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDepends on where you work. If your office has a ping pong table, probably. If your office has HR, read the room first.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat does Two Seater mean on a shirt?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you have to ask, this might not be the sweatshirt for you. But we respect the curiosity.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40617574301778,"sku":"TwoS-Black-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40617574334546,"sku":"TwoS-Black-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40617574367314,"sku":"TwoS-Black-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40617574400082,"sku":"TwoS-Black-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617574432850,"sku":"TwoS-Black-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617574465618,"sku":"TwoS-Black-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617574498386,"sku":"TwoS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617574531154,"sku":"TwoS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617574563922,"sku":"TwoS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617574596690,"sku":"TwoS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617574629458,"sku":"TwoS-White-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617574662226,"sku":"TwoS-White-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/f74cb4fdeeb0a93a449951762182ba3c.jpg?v=1762475530"},{"product_id":"anal-bead-tug-o-war-champion-sweatshirt","title":"Anal Bead Tug O War Champion Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Anal Bead Tug O War Champion sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is exactly what it sounds like. Years of grip strength, determination, and questionable life choices, all immortalized on heavyweight cotton so you can finally claim the title you deserve.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who commit to the bit. This isn't a sweatshirt you throw on without thinking. It's for the friend who always takes the joke one step further, the one everyone's slightly afraid to play party games with. You know who you are.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that actually feels substantial, not some paper-thin afterthought\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL (champions come in all sizes)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClassic crew neck for maximum trophy-ceremony readiness\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG printed so the graphic stays sharp and vivid through every wash cycle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSoft enough to recover in after you've defended your title\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's the perfect gift. Nothing says \"I know exactly who you are and I'm not sorry\" like handing someone an Anal Bead Tug O War Champion sweatshirt at a birthday party. Ideal for white elephant exchanges, bachelor parties, or that friend whose middle school tug of war training took a wildly different direction.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this sweatshirt actually comfortable?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. It's heavyweight cotton with a relaxed fit, so it's warm without feeling like a weighted blanket. Cozy enough for the couch, loud enough for the bar.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink in the wash?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFollow the care instructions (cold wash, tumble dry low) and it'll hold its size. We're not trying to ruin your victory lap.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes do you carry?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eS through 4XL. Champions come in every size.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the print going to crack or peel?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG printing bonds the ink directly into the fabric, so it stays smooth and won't crack or fade like cheap screen prints.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I return it if someone gets offended?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCheck our return policy, but someone getting offended is kind of the point. That's a feature, not a bug.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617575743570,"sku":"AnalS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617575776338,"sku":"AnalS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617575809106,"sku":"AnalS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617575841874,"sku":"AnalS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617575874642,"sku":"AnalS-White-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617575907410,"sku":"AnalS-White-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/02dc8f7a3e8fecf520f2fad637ac804e.jpg?v=1762475531"},{"product_id":"shaquille-otmeal-sweatshirt","title":"Shaquille O'TMeal Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Shaquille O'TMeal sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is exactly what it sounds like: Shaq, but oatmeal. A dumb pun on heavyweight cotton with absolutely no nutritional value. You already know if this is for you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who think the intersection of NBA legends and breakfast foods is tragically underexplored.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf you've ever made a Shaq pun at a dinner table and nobody laughed but you kept going anyway, this is your sweatshirt. It pairs well with sweatpants, questionable decisions, and a bowl of actual oatmeal if you're feeling on-brand.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that doesn't feel like a paper bag from a gas station\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL\u003c\/strong\u003e (Shaq himself would need a custom order, but you're probably fine)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck\u003c\/strong\u003e, because this isn't a henley situation\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the colors stay put even after you inevitably spill oatmeal on it\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk\u003c\/strong\u003e, because surprises belong in cereal boxes, not your dryer\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this actually a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a perfect gift for someone who appreciates a pun that absolutely did not need to exist.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBirthday, Christmas, random Tuesday because you saw it and thought of them. The bar for funny gifts is low and this clears it. Just don't pair it with a box of oatmeal unless you want them to think you're making a lifestyle suggestion.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this sweatshirt run true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. It's a unisex relaxed fit in sizes S through 4XL. Check the size chart if you're between sizes, but it runs true.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print fade after washing?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's DTG (direct-to-garment) printed, so the colors hold up. Turn it inside out and wash cold if you want to be extra careful.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this officially licensed by Shaq?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. This is a parody design. We're not affiliated with Shaquille O'Neal, the NBA, or any oatmeal brands.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I return it if it doesn't fit?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. Check our return policy page for details on exchanges and returns.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ Small","offer_id":40617579184210,"sku":"ShaqS-Black-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Medium","offer_id":40617579249746,"sku":"ShaqS-Black-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ Large","offer_id":40617579282514,"sku":"ShaqS-Black-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":40617579315282,"sku":"ShaqS-Black-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617579348050,"sku":"ShaqS-Black-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617579380818,"sku":"ShaqS-Black-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617579413586,"sku":"ShaqS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617579446354,"sku":"ShaqS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617579479122,"sku":"ShaqS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617579511890,"sku":"ShaqS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617579544658,"sku":"ShaqS-White-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617579577426,"sku":"ShaqS-White-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/88ea1613eee21e175e94578b739400b4.jpg?v=1762475531"},{"product_id":"i-would-dropkick-a-child-newport-sweatshirt","title":"I Would Dropkick A Child For A Newport Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe \"I Would Dropkick A Child For A Newport\" sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is for people whose cigarette loyalty borders on felony territory. If you've ever seriously considered violence over a menthol, congratulations, this is your uniform. Heavyweight, cozy, and morally bankrupt.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe person in your friend group who everyone is slightly afraid of. You know exactly who.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is the sweatshirt for anyone whose Newport devotion transcends reason. It's for smoke break philosophers, gas station regulars, and people who've said \"I'd kill for a cigarette\" and meant it a little too literally. If you saw the words \"I Would Dropkick A Child For A Newport\" and thought \"finally, someone gets me,\" you're home.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels substantial, not that tissue-paper nonsense from brands that don't respect you\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL.\u003c\/strong\u003e Newport loyalty has no size limit\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck.\u003c\/strong\u003e Classic. Like your addiction\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e directly into the fabric so the colors stay loud even after you've washed the smoke smell out (you won't)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a perfect gift. If you know, you know.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is the gift that says \"I pay attention to your worst qualities and I celebrate them.\" Everyone has that one friend who would see this and immediately feel understood. Buy it for them. Or buy it for yourself and pretend someone thoughtful gave it to you. We won't tell.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this sweatshirt run true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a relaxed unisex fit. Go up one for oversized, stick with your usual for standard.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this offend people?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlmost certainly. That's the whole point. If your circle can't handle it, get a better circle.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the print going to crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. It's DTG printed directly into the fabric, not some iron-on that peels after three washes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this in public?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can wear it anywhere you're comfortable being the most unhinged person in the room. So yes, everywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDo I have to smoke Newports to wear this?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo, but it helps. Non-smokers can wear it ironically. Newport diehards wear it as a statement of fact.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617580068946,"sku":"NewportS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617580101714,"sku":"NewportS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617580134482,"sku":"NewportS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617580167250,"sku":"NewportS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617580200018,"sku":"NewportS-White-2XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617580232786,"sku":"NewportS-White-3XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/9f965c9c30b2e2cd7020dd3cd7c2560f.jpg?v=1762475532"},{"product_id":"rehab-is-for-quitters-sweatshirt","title":"Rehab Is For Quitters Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Rehab Is For Quitters sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is for people who looked at self-improvement and said \"nah.\" Heavyweight, soft, and printed to last longer than your New Year's resolutions. If you're going to commit to something, might as well be bad decisions in comfortable clothing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho actually wears this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who've accepted that their coping mechanisms are also their hobbies.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour friend who brings a flask to brunch. The person at the party who's somehow always the last one standing and the first one down. If you saw the phrase \"Rehab Is For Quitters\" and thought \"finally, a sweatshirt that gets me,\" you're exactly the target audience. No judgment here. That's literally the whole brand.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eHeavyweight cotton\u003c\/strong\u003e that actually feels like something. Not that tissue-paper garbage.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL.\u003c\/strong\u003e Room for everyone (and everything you ate last night).\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrew neck.\u003c\/strong\u003e Classic. Not trying to reinvent the wheel here.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDTG printed\u003c\/strong\u003e so the colors stay put. Unlike your dignity after an open bar.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003ePre-shrunk.\u003c\/strong\u003e Because life comes at you fast enough already.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely, for the right person.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf they laugh at things they probably shouldn't and own it, this is the move. If they send you motivational quotes at 7 a.m., maybe try a candle. The Rehab Is For Quitters sweatshirt hits hardest when the person wearing it is completely self-aware about their life choices. So, you know. Most of our customers.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs the Rehab Is For Quitters sweatshirt actually soft?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes. Heavyweight cotton that feels broken-in from the first wear. Cozy enough for the couch, sturdy enough for questionable decisions.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhat sizes does this come in?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUnisex relaxed fit from S to 4XL. Check the size chart, but when in doubt, size up. Nobody ever regretted a little extra room.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill this shrink or fade in the wash?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe DTG print holds its color and the fabric keeps its shape. Wash cold, tumble dry low, and it'll outlast your liver.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this a good gift for someone who drinks a lot?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf they'd laugh at it, yes. If you're not sure whether they'd laugh at it, you already know the answer.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617580757074,"sku":"RehabS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617580789842,"sku":"RehabS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617580822610,"sku":"RehabS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617580855378,"sku":"RehabS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617580888146,"sku":"RehabS-White-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617580920914,"sku":"RehabS-White-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/483e544c65e53a43d22df017b9cde80b.jpg?v=1762475532"},{"product_id":"g-is-for-gaslight-sweatshirt","title":"G Is For Gaslight Sweatshirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe G Is For Gaslight Sweatshirt from Unethical Threads is the alphabet lesson your therapist warned you about. If you know the difference between gaslighting and \"just remembering things differently,\" this one's for you. Heavyweight cotton, unisex fit, and absolutely no accountability included.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eWho's actually buying this?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeople who've been lovingly accused of gaslighting at least once this week. Your friend who wins every argument by making you question your own memory. The person in the group chat everyone's a little afraid of. If you've ever said \"I never said that\" while knowing full well you said exactly that, congratulations, this is your uniform.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeavyweight cotton that feels like a real commitment (unlike you)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnisex relaxed fit, sizes S-4XL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCrew neck, because we're gaslighters, not monsters\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDTG printed so the colors stay vivid through every wash cycle and every denial\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk, so at least something in your life is predictable\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eIs this a good gift?\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely. It's the perfect gift for someone who insists they never said that thing you both know they said. Also great for birthdays, holidays, or passive-aggressive Secret Santa exchanges. If you're worried about offending the recipient, they're probably not your target audience.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003ch2\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDoes this sweatshirt run true to size?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a relaxed unisex fit. Most people go with their usual size. Between sizes? Size up for a comfier fit.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWill the print crack or fade?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo. DTG printing keeps the colors locked in. No cracking, no peeling, no fading.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIs this actually about gaslighting?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a funny alphabet joke on a sweatshirt. If someone reads deeper into it, that sounds like their problem.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCan I wear this to work?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDepends on your HR department's sense of humor. If they have one, go for it. If not, save it for the weekend.\u003c\/p\u003e\n","brand":"Unethical Threads","offers":[{"title":"White \/ Small","offer_id":40617582657618,"sku":"KevS-White-S","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Medium","offer_id":40617582690386,"sku":"KevS-White-M","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ Large","offer_id":40617582723154,"sku":"KevS-White-L","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":40617582755922,"sku":"KevS-White-XL","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 2XL","offer_id":40617582788690,"sku":"KevS-White-2XL","price":38.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ 3XL","offer_id":40617582821458,"sku":"KevS-White-3XL","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/files\/c827542a69ab1cf6dabee90af23fa887.jpg?v=1762475534"}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0551\/9402\/6066\/collections\/Long_Sleeve_T_Shirts_with_Funny_Sayings.jpg?v=1761608055","url":"https:\/\/unethicalthreads.com\/collections\/long-sleeve-t-shirts-with-funny-sayings.oembed","provider":"Unethical Threads","version":"1.0","type":"link"}