I Wish I Had Ketamine Instead Of This Big Cock Tee

The I Wish I Had Ketamine Instead Of This Big Cock Tee is Unethical Threads at its most deadpan. A flat, unprompted complaint about having the wrong problem, printed on heavyweight cotton. Available in black or white because the joke doesn't need color theory.

Who actually wears this?

People whose humor lives in the gap between a humblebrag and a cry for help.

You know the friend who says the worst possible thing at dinner and still gets invited back. That's the demographic. This shirt works at a music festival, a house party, or just grabbing groceries if you genuinely don't care what the person behind you in line thinks about your life choices.

• Heavyweight cotton that doesn't go transparent after one wash
• Unisex relaxed fit, sizes S through 4XL
• Crew neck, because a V-neck on this shirt would be trying way too hard
• DTG (direct-to-garment) print for color that actually lasts
• Text-only front print. Black or white. No graphics, no logo. The words handle it.

Is this a good gift?

It's a perfect gift if you know the person. It's an HR incident if you don't.

This is the shirt you buy for someone who will laugh until they can't breathe, and you know exactly who that person is. If you're wondering whether they'd get it, they won't.

Frequently Asked Questions

What sizes does this shirt come in?

S through 4XL. Unisex relaxed fit, so it runs comfortable regardless of build.

What colors are available?

Black or white. That's the full lineup.

Will the print crack or peel?

No. It's DTG printed, which bonds the ink into the fabric. It holds up through washes without cracking or peeling.

Is this going to shrink?

It's heavyweight cotton. Wash cold, tumble dry low, and it'll keep its shape.

Can I wear this in public?

Legally, yes. Socially, that depends entirely on your tolerance for strangers reading your chest and forming opinions.