*NEW* I Would Dropkick A Child For Espresso Martini Tee

The I Would Dropkick A Child For Espresso Martini tee from Unethical Threads is for people whose caffeine dependency and cocktail habits merged into one unhinged personality trait. You didn't choose the espresso martini life. Actually, you did. Aggressively.

Who actually wears this?

The friend who made espresso martinis their whole thing. You know who you are.

You ordered one ironically in 2023, now you won't shut up about coffee liqueur brands. This shirt is the logical next step in that spiral. Also great for baristas who bartend on the side and can't pick a lane.

• Heavyweight cotton that feels like an actual garment, not a free conference handout
• Unisex relaxed fit, S to 4XL. Big range for big espresso martini energy.
• Classic crew neck. No surprises.
• DTG (direct-to-garment) printing. Colors stay where they belong, not fading into oblivion.
• Pre-shrunk. It'll fit the same whether you're sober or three espresso martinis deep at brunch.

Is this a good gift?

Absolutely.

If someone in your life has made espresso martinis their entire personality, this is the shirt they didn't know they needed. It's also a solid move for Secret Santa when you actually want to win. No gift receipt required because nobody's returning this.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does this shirt run true to size?

Yes. Unisex relaxed fit, runs true to size. Check our size chart if you're between sizes.

Will the print crack or fade?

No. DTG printing keeps the colors intact. Wash inside out on cold and tumble dry low for best results.

Is this actually about dropkicking children?

It's about loving espresso martinis an unreasonable amount. The hypothetical child is fine.

What sizes do you carry?

S through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit across the full range.

Can I wear this around my family?

You can. Whether you should depends entirely on your family's sense of humor and your willingness to explain yourself at dinner.