Scissoring Hurts My Balls Tee

The Scissoring Hurts My Balls Tee from Unethical Threads is a front-print graphic tee for the man who delivers absurd complaints with total conviction. White all-caps text, three stacked lines, no explanation offered. The energy of a workplace injury report that HR has no form for.

Who actually wears this?

Guys who say things at the bar that make everyone go quiet for two seconds before the whole table loses it.

This is bachelor party ammunition, the gift you hand someone at their birthday while making eye contact with their partner. It works because the wearer commits to the bit. No winking, no explanation. Just a man with a very specific grievance, stated like it's going on the insurance claim.

• Heavyweight cotton that holds its shape. This is not a tissue-paper tee.
• Unisex relaxed fit, S through 4XL. Room for everyone, including the guy who needs it most.
• Classic crew neck. Nothing at the collar, nothing on the back. Just the front doing all the heavy lifting.
• DTG (direct-to-garment) print, so the text stays sharp through wash cycles instead of peeling off after three spins like a gas station bumper sticker.

Is this actually a good gift?

It might be the best gift for someone you know well enough to offend.

Most gag gifts get a pity laugh and end up in a donation bag. This one gets worn. The kind of shirt that stays in the rotation because the wearer thinks it's genuinely funny, not because they feel obligated. Great for bachelor parties, bachelorette parties (yes, really), birthdays for people with a sense of humor, and anyone whose love language is inappropriate jokes.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does the shirt actually say?

The front print reads SCISSORING HURTS MY BALLS in large white all-caps text on three stacked lines. No images, no small print, no back design.

What sizes does this come in?

S through 4XL, unisex relaxed fit. Check the size chart if you're between sizes.

Will the print crack or fade?

The design is DTG printed, which bonds the ink into the fabric. It holds up through washes without cracking or peeling. Wash inside out in cold water for best results.

Can I actually wear this in public?

You can wear it anywhere you'd tell an inappropriate joke out loud. Bars, house parties, tailgates, casual Fridays if your office is unhinged. Just maybe not church.